I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
