I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
