gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
