Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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