A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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