Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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