Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
