yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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