I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
