I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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