Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
