If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
