Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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