I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
