i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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