I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
even my farts smell like vagina
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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