tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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