I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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