I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
