He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
