I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
