dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
