I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.ā€¯ \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
