I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
