dude i'm inner monologue high
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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