don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
