I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
