Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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