Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
