Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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