ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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