took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
