did you get engaged???
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
