Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Everything about him screamed your future.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
