So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
