Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
What a dumb baby whore.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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