someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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