mondays should just be called national damage control day
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
