On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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