I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
