You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
