I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
