I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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