I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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