the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
