i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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