My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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