1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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