It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
