i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
