8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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